when we were sleeping, my girlfriend and i both opened our eyes for a second at the same time. i kissed her, she smiled, and we both fell back asleep. the little things.
Fight Off Your Demons
Carly, 19 years old, Boston.
Beautiful girlfriend, Jessica (smessica).
Sex, Brand New, Tattoos, & Food. Ya dig?
can it be monday so i can lay naked with my girlfriend in bed. she’s gonna make me breakfast for dinner, and then we’re gonna go the to gym at night. she’s the best. so yeah um, is it monday yet?
this day is always really strange for me every year, although tomorrow is when i’m supposed to hurt. i always think, “x years ago, i was happy. i was normal.” what if she was never killed, what if he didn’t do it. however, i’m sure there would have been another trigger somewhere down the line. i was born with the genetics for pain. they were just waiting for something, something to set them off. nonetheless, on this day, seven years ago, i was happy. i was normal.
the more i learn about psychology, the more i’ve realized about myself. i think knowing more will help me in therapy. i see why i’ve been difficult to diagnose. bipolar II disorder seems like a fitting diagnoses, but at this point i could give a fuck about a label. i just want to be better.
this girl is going back to therapy. thank god.
i just emailed my old therapist. i’m ready to go back. & this time i really want to stick to it. if i don’t fix things now, i will amount to nothing. in order to have a successful, productive life, i need to figure my shit out. also, i need to practice what i preach. with her help, i will be okay.
i was doing so well. more scars. i am an embarrassment.
you’re right. i am all those things. “mildly sadistic,” i am.
i’ve been miserable for seven years now. in and out of therapy for a majority of that time, trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. two years with the same therapist, and she couldn’t determine was what going in my head. what we have been able to determine, that i am not at fault for what i think. that there are crystal clear reasons, and people which have altered my mind set. they continue to do so. at this point, i do think that people deserve to pay for their actions. i pay for mine. if that’s being sadistic, i guess i completely am. there are people to blame for the pain i feel, and when that person is me, i also suffer. i feel for the pain i’ve inflicted on myself, i feel for the pain i inflict on others. maybe it’s not so much sadism as it is karma. i believe in karma. you will get back what you’ve done, two times..as you should.
almost as much as i loathe my capacity to love. i keep going from extreme anger, to just being sad. i hate how divided our friend group is now, like you don’t even know. yeah, i’m still really fucking angry. yeah, i’ll probably never 100% get past it. and yeah, i may never feel better until i get how i feel out in the open. i haven’t done a single thing to deserve any of this. nothing. i get you’re angry that you lost one of your closest friends, and i also feel terrible for her. what the fuck about me. i did NOTHING to anyone, and the apologies stopped coming a long time ago. you apologized following the first two days, not even giving me time to cool off. then you started tweeting/tumbling about me. about how i’m holding a grudge, and blah blah. ever think that i needed time to cool off? didn’t i deserve some fucking time to cool off? stop being so self centered, and look at who else is hurt.
just kidding, LOL. taking it anyways. lets see what happens this time around.
if i don’t start taking medication, i’ll either do something i’ll regret, or kill myself.
came across a blog with a bunch of pictures of people with cuts. although i reblogged the last one, it made me really uneasy. anxious. regretful. hopeful.
